Our Blended Family

My ex-wife, her two kids with her current partner, as well as his daughter (her step-daughter) and my former mother-in-law, her mom, spent the 2020 Thanksgiving with us.  By us I mean, in the SoCal home that I share with my wife, our son, and the two daughters from that marriage. They spent one week with us, heading back to NYC on the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I know what you are thinking.  You had 5 people over from NYC, in your house during a pandemic??

Yes, I am not proud of this fact.  I had thought of blogging about our blended holiday when it happened, but felt some shame.  When the news reports showed how crowded the airports were, and stories of people ignoring travel warnings, I would cringe.  They were talking about us. 

I am happy to report, we were all negative before, and after the visit. And as I write this blog, we all remain so.  If the visit wasn’t the first Thanksgiving visit, with tickets purchased almost 6 months in advance, we have might cancelled.  Ultimately we decided to move ahead. 

What I am proud of, is our incredibly loving blended family, the unbridled success the trip was, and what a joy it was to have them.  This is a culmination of a few years of growth and maturity for all parties. Putting the welfare of our children first.  It took an introspective look at what is truly important in our lives, and living life in truth and love. It doesn’t happen without the goodness, maturity and love of family, embodied by my ex, Philia, and my wife, Rebekah.

Philia, my ex-wife, and I had our 10 year marriage, interrupted by an almost 4yr separation.  When we decided to give it another shot, it took us just 2 years to realize we weren’t going to make it.  We shook hands, and parted ways.

Even during our first separation, we co-parented well.  Not without bumps.  I had to learn what being “present” for our daughters meant.  I went from seeing them “mostly” every other weekend, to every single weekend, and at least once, mid week.  My youngest calling a random bald black man, “daddy”, when she was 2, lit a fire under me.  So now that we were permanently going different directions, we felt we knew this territory

But this was different. And although we had been here before, the finality of it, brought its own growing pains.  We had both moved on to our current significant others.  Me with my wife, Rebekah, and her, with her current partner.  Now there were two other people who would be in the lives of our children and we had to come to grips with that.

Philia concentrated on how our daughters were treated.  She would listen to the girls laud how cool “Ms Rebekah” was and took it in stride. Not from the beginning, where she once confessed that seeing me with Rebekah, had initially irked her.  However, over time, she introspectively looked at how her children were being treated.  How we took them every weekend, as I had before, only this time, with a partner. She recognized how respectful Rebekah had been to her place as a mother.  Never once overstepping, or trying to supplant her.    

Philia was able to do this because, Philia is a good woman. Kind, giving, smart, peaceful and open.  She is an amazing woman and mother.  Facts of which do not disappear just because we didn’t work out.  She has always had the uncanny ability to put the needs of others first.  She is not egoless, but is introspective enough to know when having one will be a hindrance.  She recognizes good in people.  And she did with my wife, Rebekah.

Rebekah didn’t want to have kids when we met.  It was not something she longed for.  When she met my daughters, she was over the moon.  “You guys are all I need” she would say to them.  Coming from a stable, not a broken home, I marveled at her ability to recognize the delicacy and at times thankless nature of step-parenthood.  She dove in head first.

From the moment we started dating I let her know how important my girls were to me and that I took them every weekend. She didn’t miss a step in transferring that importance into her own life.  She truly took them as if they were her own, all while ensuring that she never overstepped or impinged on Philia.  She would take time to be with them. Truly “be” with them.  They took to her like fish to water.  Going back to their Mom’s house constantly talking glowingly about “Ms Rebekah”

“Ms Rebekah” showered them with love.  She would spend hours with my youngest playing Barbie, or watch anime with my oldest, umpteenth times, and enjoyed every minute. She would think about them during the week before the weekends.  Out of the blue, buying things she thought they would like or need.  And being from the Midwest, she introduced us to traditions and family bonding events, we were not used to, but thoroughly enjoyed.

Kids are the ultimate lie detectors.  They can smell BS from a mile away and know goodness when they see it.  From the very first day they met Rebekah, they loved her.  The first day I introduced her, they begged me for her to stay over.  She didn’t.  She went back to her apartment, and we took it slow.  We included them in the growth of our relationship.  They grew so fond of her, that even when I was away, they still wanted to spend the weekend with “Ms Rebekah”.

When the two women met in person, they could see the good in each other.  Philia marveling at the care and love Rebekah had for her children.  And Rebekah grateful to Philia for raising such amazing young ladies.  The type of mature respect that can only come from good, honest, loving human beings.  

Our families grew closer, with Rebekah and Philia contacting each other directly if they needed to speak about the girls.  I had once told Rebekah, that if she met Philia separately, they would like each other.  I was not wrong.  We all forged a deeper understanding that putting aside egos, for the good of the children, was not only good for them, but for us as well.  We handled transitions with understanding and love.

Like before I proposed to Rebekah, I called Philia.  I didn’t tell her I was going to propose.  What I did tell her was, how much respect I had for her.  I apologized for any wrongs I inflicted upon her.  And that even though we didn’t work out, she is an incredible woman and mother, and that her partner is lucky to have her.  I had wanted to let her know, in some way, that while Rebekah is the one for me, it was not a poor reflection upon her.  That my respect for her, as the mother of my children, will remain forever. 

Or when Rebekah noticed that my oldest daughter, Zakiyyah, seemed to be down, in the weeks leading up to our wedding.  She pulled her aside to talk to her.  Rebekah asked her if she felt bad that, she and I were getting married. Zaki said no, but Rebekah let her know that those feelings were perfectly fine.  That those emotions are hers and she should not feel bad about them at all. That she totally understood and completely validated her feelings.  The flood gates then opened.

Zaki wept deeply and openly.  She said she loved Rebekah but deep down, she had always wanted Philia and I get back together.  Rebekah let her cry and just she held her.  She let her know it's ok to cry and feel bad, that she totally understood.  And she let her know, that there was nothing Zaki could ever say to her, that would lessen the love she has for her.  Rebekah just held her as she wept, loving her unconditionally, then and now.

Even after we moved out to southern California, leaving the girls with Philia in Queens NYC, I would fly back every month to see them. We would go out and eat at exotic restaurants and I would stay close to them.  During those trips, I got to meet and know their half siblings.  I love children, and always engaged with them.  They began to like me, calling me “Uncle”.  I always made sure to interact with them, as well as Philia’s lovely step-daughter, whenever I would visit their home.  After all, these are the siblings to my kids.

The first time the girls flew out to LA, I took the redeye from LAX to JFK, and landed in NYC at 7am next morning. I waited at the airport, for Philia to bring the girls to me..  Once she did, the three of us turned right back around, and took the 10am flight back to LAX.  I just didn’t want their first flight to LA to be alone.

We had always wanted to them live with us.  Philia and I had always agreed, that once they were 11 or 12, she would allow them to live with me.  With Zaki already getting into high school in NYC, and now with two kids of her own with her partner, Philia agreed for my youngest daughter, Azizah, to move out to California.  So to start the 6th grade, she moved to our place in Calabasas.

By this time, Bash was here.  He was a total surprise.  A story I will tell someday.  So Azizah went from the youngest during my marriage to Philia, to the middle child, with her new half-siblings, to the oldest sibling in our Calabasas home.  Her and Bash bonded.

After the first year, I invited Philia to visit us, to see Azizah’s life first hand.  This was the first trip of our blended family.  I flew her down to LA and got her a hotel room for the weekend.  We let Azizah stay with her at night, while during the daytime, we drove her around.  We showed her Azizah's school, and introduced her to her friends, and generally entertained her.  Bash loved Philia!  He would giggle uncontrollably anytime she was around.  Again, kids know good when they see it  

Philia, impressed with the life Azizah was living, finally agreed, to allow Zakiyyah to also move to California as well.  So Zaki moved to be with us.  We now have both my daughters living with Rebekah, Bash and I, till this very second.

Philia, Rebekah and I became a great co-parenting team.  Always in contact, always on the same page.  I call Philia for advise, while her and Rebekah ensure they are always on the same page on regarding feminine issues with the girls.  Every summer, we would send the girls to NYC, for at least 2 months.

Grandma, as Philia’s mother is affectionately called by everyone including Rebekah and Bash, first visited with us, with Philia, for the girls graduation.  Zaki from high school, Azizah from middle school.  Grandma never failed to thank me and Rebekah for taking care of her grandkids.  She has seen many a broken family, and recognized something special with ours.

Now to this Thanksgiving.

All the kids interact over FaceTime and other things.  Bash got to know his sister’s other half siblings, whose ages straddle his.  He knows them by name and at times, would spend hours on his sister’s phone speaking to them, or playing video games.  So when I floated the idea of thanksgiving to Philia, including the children, and Grandma, was a given.

I rented a van, since we going to be 10 in the house, and picked them up at the airport.  Philia, Grandma and the 3 kids loved the house.  Rebekah and Philia planned the thanksgiving dinner and all meals.  Zaki’s boyfriend joined us as we masked up and went to the Hollywood sign, drove along the coast, and ordered Shake Shack in DTLA, which we all ate in the van.  We even had a s’mores cookout in the backyard on one lovely SoCal evening.

Zaki told me, that at one time she looked around and saw, her mom, Mommy Rebekah (which they call her after we got married), her grandma, her siblings and her boyfriend all in her house and she got teary eyed.  This is what a family is about.  I choked up listening to her.

The visit was amazing.  We are blessed to have a good sized house, and everyone enjoyed everyone else’s company.  Most nights were Bash playing video games or outside with his new “cousins”, Philia doing the girls hair while watching reality TV in the family room, and Grandma, leaned back in the leather recliner, nursing a glass of wine, or Hennessy, all by the fireplace, as Rebekah and I looked on, gratefully.

The years of cultivated friendship between Rebekah and Philia was evident.  They both enjoyed each other’s company.  They laughed and joked all week long.  One week after they had gone, Rebekah looked at me sadly and said “I miss Philia and the kids”

The house felt empty when they left.  Philia’s youngest daughter cried for 2 days before they left.  Constantly trying to negotiate a reason why they should stay.  Going so far as to asking her mom, to move to CA, so she could be near Bash and “Auntie and Uncle”.

By this time I am sure people are wondering about Philia’s partner. While he fully supports Philia, he does not particularly share our blended family vision.  I cannot speak on why, as that is known only to him.  My only hope is that one day he will.

This will not be the last of our holidays.  We have started down this road and will continue.   My manager called me “Will Smith” when he heard about my blended family.  I don’t know about that, I just know I am blessed.  We all are.  And this a blessing, we will never take for granted.

One funny, and poignant, moment was when Philia’s youngest daughter, asked her and Rebekah “Are you two sisters? Since I call her Auntie”.  Both women looked at each other and laughed.  

“I guess, we are” Philia said, then nodded, “Yes.. Yes we are..”

- Chet Bashari Anekwe -